I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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