Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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