I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
