In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
