You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
