So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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