so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
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I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
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All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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