Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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