I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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