Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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