I hate your face
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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