I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
