remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Mom said you looked used
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.