I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
