I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
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what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
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I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.