Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
this is an emotional support booty call
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.