God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
