I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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