brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
