God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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