Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
