Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The ass gains better be worth it
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