The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
