I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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