First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
