Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
