I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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