You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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