Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
