How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I intend to get homeless drunk
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
