Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
