i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
