The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
