I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
A+ Viking dick
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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