ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
