you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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