I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
