my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
