why didn't you poke me back
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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