Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
