i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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