you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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