So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
