Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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