u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just found puke in my bra..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
