i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
