i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
