In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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