i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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