She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
