i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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