i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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