I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
