I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
