i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
