he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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