i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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