Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
